I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
it glows. i had to have it.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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