I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
