So drunk, too bad you don't want this
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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