I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
