and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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