I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
