I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
