Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
