he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
