my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
