there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
