i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
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I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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