Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
