I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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