That's when you crack a 10am beer
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
