: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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