dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
