Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You smell like a Billy Joel song
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
