i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
