so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
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He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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