3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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