I have demons in me.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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