I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Actions speak louder than pants.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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