anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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