shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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