And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
