i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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