He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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