I wish I could punch you in the face.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Come see our sink grown plant.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
