there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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