Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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