smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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