i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
