So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
