Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
