yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
