As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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