why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
