Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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