Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Apparently you make a good broom.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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