I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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