I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
