Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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