He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
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He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
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when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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