census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
