The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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