I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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