got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
