yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
