we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
