I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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