After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
