I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
third nipple confirmed
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
