I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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