I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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