I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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