oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
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yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
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Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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