Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
