Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
