took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
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Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
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So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year