Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
