When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!