she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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