you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
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